Got some news through today.
What i wanted to be a new start, what was or what at the very least feels like my last chance to get out of here has just slipped away.
This piece of news was pivotal in everything i had planned, it's what i had pinned everything on.
Nothing always goes as planned though.
A week and a half of waiting and praying, which is something i don't normally do and i was deflated, it was like someone sticking a pin in a balloon and watching is explode, it takes all that time to inflate but only a fraction of a second to burst, and it's gone.
All the fear and uncertainty of my future coupled with anger and this hope slipping away, all these feelings began to rise to a point of physical sickness, its not how it should be, but what do i do?
I'm only human and i made a few mistakes and now it's all falling apart at the seams.
I've managed to find one last chance though, other than that i don't know what to do so I'm now grasping at it with both hands, as if it were a ledge i were holding on to for life. This is what everything now rests so tentatively on.
Need to wait for more news now...
"A good style makes everything demonstrable, a great style makes everything great; in short, it is all just a matter of style; in other words, it is all lies."
Imre Kertész
Friday, 8 May 2009
...bukowski...
The Laughing Heart
your life is your life
don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.
be on the watch.
there are ways out.
there is a light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beats the darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods will offer you chances.
know them.
take them.
you can’t beat death but
you can beat death in life, sometimes.
and the more often you learn to do it,
the more light there will be.
your life is your life.
know it while you have it.
you are marvelous
the gods wait to delight
in you.
your life is your life
don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.
be on the watch.
there are ways out.
there is a light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beats the darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods will offer you chances.
know them.
take them.
you can’t beat death but
you can beat death in life, sometimes.
and the more often you learn to do it,
the more light there will be.
your life is your life.
know it while you have it.
you are marvelous
the gods wait to delight
in you.
Monday, 4 May 2009
...Distant...
We all have perceived ideas of what are lives are going to turn into, whether we know what we from them or not, we can all see ourselves at some non de-script point in the future.
The thing is who do we see with us?
The same friends and family we have now or that we've had for god knows how many years?
Or a completely new set of people, much like a new set of toys?
It's funny to think about where we'll be or who'll be there,
people you were once close to can just drift away, slowly, until one day you wake up and realise that they're completely gone.
...Didn't think it'd be happening this soon though...
...Guess that's what i get for distancing myself from people, because then they move on to...
...need to change my ways, get the ones that matter back...
The thing is who do we see with us?
The same friends and family we have now or that we've had for god knows how many years?
Or a completely new set of people, much like a new set of toys?
It's funny to think about where we'll be or who'll be there,
people you were once close to can just drift away, slowly, until one day you wake up and realise that they're completely gone.
...Didn't think it'd be happening this soon though...
...Guess that's what i get for distancing myself from people, because then they move on to...
...need to change my ways, get the ones that matter back...
...Obscurity...
Photography has always been a part of who i am, who i think i want to be.
The older i get the more it becomes a part of me.
I like seeing other peoples perceptions of what you perceive.
I like it when its obscure, its represents feelings and ideas,
Abstract Art.
...The Angel Is In The Details...
- György Petri.
It's always hard to loose someone close, someone you love, one of the rare people you let in enough to have the power to break you. When their gone it's one less person in the world who sees you for you, through everything and it makes you close off even more.
At least it did for me.
Writing has been a catharsis for me along with other arts, its allows me to be me without anyone knowing who i am, i can be open with the world without them breaking me down, sort of like a secret identity, like Superman and Clark Kent, different sides of one person. I suppose it's harder not having that person here, it's colder and there's no one there to soften the blow of life.
The anniversary has just passed and i felt i needed something, some closure of sorts, Ive tried so hard to get it, to finally come to terms with things and life as it is but there is always this empty feeling that something is missing and i can't suppress it. I can't move on no matter how i try, i see it every day when i close my eyes, i see loss and pain.
I had this idea that going through all the things that were still boxed up and unopened would help me remember the past and the good times and help me to be closer to it all and maybe, finally get the closure Ive always craved so much....
...So i did and it wasn't what i was expecting, truth is i don't know what i was expecting really. I had help and it was extremely painful for her. She turned to me and asked, once we had finished, are you happy now?
AM I HAPPY NOW?
One short sentence with a hell of a punch to it, it winded me to say the least.
I didn't get what i wanted, what i want i can never have, its one of those curve balls life throws at you, you had what you wanted, you had a taste of it and now its gone, you can never have it back, so no i guess I'm not happy, i didn't get what i wanted.
What i wanted was never material objects, i just had and idea that seeing them might help me with this elusive closure, might help us both.
What i found was nothing i anticipated, what i found was another life before i was around and it dawned on me i knew nothing really if i thought about it. This weird feeling washed over me, were we strangers? neither of us knew anything.
All i had at the end of the day were even more questions to go with the lingering pain and memory of loss.
Thing is i don't think I'll ever have closure, i think the closest I've come is starting a new life, abrupt though it was, it has helped, it's helped us all.
I often think maybe i won't have closure because i don't deserve it or maybe it's because i try to hard to find it. Or simply because deep down i don't want it, if i have it, maybe I'm scared I'll forget everything and as long as it lingers i won't forget, But that's just a lot of maybes...
It's always hard to loose someone close, someone you love, one of the rare people you let in enough to have the power to break you. When their gone it's one less person in the world who sees you for you, through everything and it makes you close off even more.
At least it did for me.
Writing has been a catharsis for me along with other arts, its allows me to be me without anyone knowing who i am, i can be open with the world without them breaking me down, sort of like a secret identity, like Superman and Clark Kent, different sides of one person. I suppose it's harder not having that person here, it's colder and there's no one there to soften the blow of life.
The anniversary has just passed and i felt i needed something, some closure of sorts, Ive tried so hard to get it, to finally come to terms with things and life as it is but there is always this empty feeling that something is missing and i can't suppress it. I can't move on no matter how i try, i see it every day when i close my eyes, i see loss and pain.
I had this idea that going through all the things that were still boxed up and unopened would help me remember the past and the good times and help me to be closer to it all and maybe, finally get the closure Ive always craved so much....
...So i did and it wasn't what i was expecting, truth is i don't know what i was expecting really. I had help and it was extremely painful for her. She turned to me and asked, once we had finished, are you happy now?
AM I HAPPY NOW?
One short sentence with a hell of a punch to it, it winded me to say the least.
I didn't get what i wanted, what i want i can never have, its one of those curve balls life throws at you, you had what you wanted, you had a taste of it and now its gone, you can never have it back, so no i guess I'm not happy, i didn't get what i wanted.
What i wanted was never material objects, i just had and idea that seeing them might help me with this elusive closure, might help us both.
What i found was nothing i anticipated, what i found was another life before i was around and it dawned on me i knew nothing really if i thought about it. This weird feeling washed over me, were we strangers? neither of us knew anything.
All i had at the end of the day were even more questions to go with the lingering pain and memory of loss.
Thing is i don't think I'll ever have closure, i think the closest I've come is starting a new life, abrupt though it was, it has helped, it's helped us all.
I often think maybe i won't have closure because i don't deserve it or maybe it's because i try to hard to find it. Or simply because deep down i don't want it, if i have it, maybe I'm scared I'll forget everything and as long as it lingers i won't forget, But that's just a lot of maybes...
Thursday, 30 April 2009
...Capa...
Endre Ernő Friedmann most famously known as Robert Capa was a Hungarian photographer born in 1913 best known for his coverage of the war, five wars to be exact; he covered the Spanish Civil War, World War II, the first Indochina War, the 1948 Arab-Israeli War and the second Sino-Japanese War.
In 1947 he co founded the infamous Magnum photos which was the first photo agency for worldwide freelance photographers.
He was famed for saying, "If your picture isn't good enough, you're not close enough."
On 25 May 1954 he was photographing for Life in Thai-Binh, Indochina, when he stepped on a landmine, he was taken to a small field hospital where he was pronounced dead on arrival.
...Feels...
...Like home..?
Won't be going back this year,
there's always a sense of being at home their,
It's like not going home anymore,
thinking about it there's a sadness in my heart.
Sunday, 15 February 2009
...The Return...
Ever Since reading Hislop's first novel about the Greek island of Crete and it's former leper colony of Spinalonga I have been a fan of her work; her second novel, The Return, is just as much of a fascinating read as her first.
It centres around the Ramírez family during the Spanish Civil War and takes you through their journey of life under General Franco's dictatorship while painting the scene of the rest of Spain at this time in all it's colours. It follows the family's ups and downs and what every family in Spain had to go through at that time when no one was safe from persecution. It follows Spain's history eloquently all the way from its dark and turbulent past through to a better present and a hopeful future for its people.
Below is the blurb for the book...
Beneath the majestic towers of the Alhambra, Granada’s cobbled streets resonate with music and secrets. Sonia Cameron knows nothing of the city’s shocking past; she is here to dance. But in a quiet café, a chance conversation and an intriguing collection of old photographs draw her into the extraordinary tale of Spain’s devastating civil war.
Seventy years earlier, the café is home to the close-knit Ramírez family. In 1936, an army coup led by Franco shatters the country’s fragile peace, and in the heart of Granada the family witnesses the atrocities of conflict. Divided by politics and tragedy, everyone must take a side, fighting a personal battle as Spain rips itself apart.
...Art Inspired...
After reading this novel it got me inspired to paint again, thinking about the pain and the suffering of Spain's people and all the devastation the had to endure...
...I see it as a representation of the whole of that era, the yellow and the blue are Spain as it was before the military coup.
The red represents Spain's blood being spilt in and amongst itself, all the people pitted against each other; family, friends and generally those who used to be close on opposing sides fighting each other.
The black represents Franco's hold over Spain and his nationalist party and all those who fell under his regime, while the white symbolised hope for the future...
...War...
The Spanish Civil War lasted for three years and half a million people perished fighting against Franco and as many went into exile, some, like those in the novel were never to return to Spain again. Many of those imprisoned by Franco we held captive in prisons and faced execution by the firing squad and burial in unmarked mass graves.
In October 2007 a new law was passe under the Socialist Prime Minister.
The Law of Historical Memory, which condemns Franco's dictatorship and bans symbols of him and his regime in public and orders the removal of monuments of him.
Among other things, the law is supposed to enforce an official recognition of the crimes committed against civilians during the Francoist rule and organize under state supervision the search for mass graves.
Saturday, 14 February 2009
...There's A Little...
...Hero In All Of Us...
"So many of our dreams at first seem impossible.
The they seem improbable, and then,
When we summon the will,
They soon become inevitable."
- Christopher Reeve.
...Dream...
...Within A Dream...
I was watching Britney Spears' "Dream Within A Dream Tour" on DVD the other night, it was filmed back in 2001 back when she was America's sweetheart, when it was obvious that performing was her number one when she had the perfectly sculpted body and no children to speak of. I was watching it thinking she had a spark there; a spark of determination and her eyes had passion and her dancing had soul. This was before the media went into overdrive about her private life and before the world saw her fall from grace, so to speak while she dealt with her own inner demons.
The DWAD tour saw her fearlessly dance to thousands of fans, young and old alike, dressed as a ballerina in a life-size music box, saw her on a type of bungee for "What It's Like To Be Me" and dance through her own cascading waterfall-Esq wall of water and saw her ever more daring costumes like the "Slave 4 U" number.
Some of her most popular songs from the "Oops!..I Did It Again" album; "Stronger" and "Lucky" reminded me of the tough times she's had and all she's been through, with lyrics such as "Stronger than yesterday" and "Isn't she lucky this Hollywood girl" respectively. I think the song that most sums up things is "Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman" as the moral of the song or its message is that whatever happens I'm gonna be OK, I'm gonna find it within myself, my inner strength. This is what Britney had to say about the song during an interview.
Something that always stuck in my mind from this concert was when she was talking to the audience right before the song "Not A Girl..," she pleaded with them to "never, ever loose their passion to dream...please don't." That was a nineteen year old Spears, she'll never be nineteen again but she can be that girl again, and i just hope this time being on the stage again in full glare of the spotlight that she loves every second of it liked it seemed on from her previous tour, because if not then what's the point?...
...New Start...
I've decided 2009 is going to be a good year, the start of new things, new beginngs. 2008 was a pretty crappy year, hence no posts.
I let relationships crumble and fade, ideas faded out to nothing, great opportunities were missed and huge mistakes were made, but I suppose I have to think like this; it was all worth it to get me here to be who I am.
This year im going to be a "doer" instead of "I will do". I have many opportunities to sieze; new relationships to build, old ones to repair and rebuild and new paths to go down along the way.
Think I'll take my cameras with me for the fun of it ;-) I have a few interviews involving my future and the future of my photography, so I'm going to need a few memory cards and a whole lot of film, because its going be one hell of a portfolio I have at the end, hopefully. I'm going to lay the grround work for the beginning of the rest of my life this year.
I have a good feeling about it.
...Dreams...
Dreams, they can seem so real.
You feel like you’re actually living what’s inside your head.
It feels so real. Unfortunately they aren't real.
It was so familiar, I had the sense that I knew it wasn’t as it seemed, that it wasn’t real, but it felt so real, so right, so calming and so peaceful.
I’m not quite sure where I was. I think it may have been a kitchen or it could have even been a restaurant of cafe. I remember it being fairly bright around, quite warm, a soft colour, burnt yellow, kind of like the way you imagine the sun. There was a table, wood effect and chrome, it looked quaint and inviting.
I remember bits as if it was an actual memory from childhood.
I was at the table and I had the overwhelming sense I was a child again, yet I had the mind and body of my present self and I knew full well what was happening around me. A man sits down at the table next to me along with a woman who serves up some food; I think it could have been around lunch time. The man and women were my mum and dad.
It was weirdly comforting to see them together; too see us together. In reality it has been five years this coming may 3rd that my dad had passed away. It was quite surreal but real, I didn’t want it to end.
I knew that it had too, that it was going too and I knew I had all these questions that needed answering but there wasn’t much need for talking, it was just enough to have my dad back for that short blissful period, it was enough to have a family again but these questions were looming, hanging over me, like the world was on my shoulders and time was against me, which it was.
Anyway, these questions, I remember for the most part ending up with answers which gradually came to culminate in the sense of closure for me, not completely though.
Before, unfortunately, coming back to wake up in the real world and the reality that I don’t have him no more and nor does the rest of my family I remember seeing my dad smile for the last time with my mum opposite him and me sat next to him, I gave him a hug and in an almost wispy haze it all faded out.
I woke up with this calm and peaceful feeling washing over me, was it real? Was it his way of finally saying goodbye? I’d welcome the closure but not the feeling that I might forget him.
Unfortunately it wasn’t real.
Funny things are dreams.
You feel like you’re actually living what’s inside your head.
It feels so real. Unfortunately they aren't real.
It was so familiar, I had the sense that I knew it wasn’t as it seemed, that it wasn’t real, but it felt so real, so right, so calming and so peaceful.
I’m not quite sure where I was. I think it may have been a kitchen or it could have even been a restaurant of cafe. I remember it being fairly bright around, quite warm, a soft colour, burnt yellow, kind of like the way you imagine the sun. There was a table, wood effect and chrome, it looked quaint and inviting.
I remember bits as if it was an actual memory from childhood.
I was at the table and I had the overwhelming sense I was a child again, yet I had the mind and body of my present self and I knew full well what was happening around me. A man sits down at the table next to me along with a woman who serves up some food; I think it could have been around lunch time. The man and women were my mum and dad.
It was weirdly comforting to see them together; too see us together. In reality it has been five years this coming may 3rd that my dad had passed away. It was quite surreal but real, I didn’t want it to end.
I knew that it had too, that it was going too and I knew I had all these questions that needed answering but there wasn’t much need for talking, it was just enough to have my dad back for that short blissful period, it was enough to have a family again but these questions were looming, hanging over me, like the world was on my shoulders and time was against me, which it was.
Anyway, these questions, I remember for the most part ending up with answers which gradually came to culminate in the sense of closure for me, not completely though.
Before, unfortunately, coming back to wake up in the real world and the reality that I don’t have him no more and nor does the rest of my family I remember seeing my dad smile for the last time with my mum opposite him and me sat next to him, I gave him a hug and in an almost wispy haze it all faded out.
I woke up with this calm and peaceful feeling washing over me, was it real? Was it his way of finally saying goodbye? I’d welcome the closure but not the feeling that I might forget him.
Unfortunately it wasn’t real.
Funny things are dreams.
Friday, 13 February 2009
...2009...
...Belated, But Happy New Year from S-LOTM!
The first post in a while, over a year I believe, but I've had some things to work through, none the less I hope everyone had a good year, at least overall!
Here's tot hi year being a productive year for everyone out there!
Friday, 9 November 2007
...For Now...
I won't be posting for a while now, probably not until the back end of next year.
I have some stuff to sort out, or at least try to and it will most likely take up the majority of my time.
So for now, Seasons Greetings and a Happy New Year from S-LOTM!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
