...The Angel Is In The Details...

- György Petri.


It's always hard to loose someone close, someone you love, one of the rare people you let in enough to have the power to break you. When their gone it's one less person in the world who sees you for you, through everything and it makes you close off even more.

At least it did for me.

Writing has been a catharsis for me along with other arts, its allows me to be me without anyone knowing who i am, i can be open with the world without them breaking me down, sort of like a secret identity, like Superman and Clark Kent, different sides of one person. I suppose it's harder not having that person here, it's colder and there's no one there to soften the blow of life.

The anniversary has just passed and i felt i needed something, some closure of sorts, Ive tried so hard to get it, to finally come to terms with things and life as it is but there is always this empty feeling that something is missing and i can't suppress it. I can't move on no matter how i try, i see it every day when i close my eyes, i see loss and pain.
I had this idea that going through all the things that were still boxed up and unopened would help me remember the past and the good times and help me to be closer to it all and maybe, finally get the closure Ive always craved so much....

...So i did and it wasn't what i was expecting, truth is i don't know what i was expecting really. I had help and it was extremely painful for her. She turned to me and asked, once we had finished, are you happy now?

AM I HAPPY NOW?

One short sentence with a hell of a punch to it, it winded me to say the least.

I didn't get what i wanted, what i want i can never have, its one of those curve balls life throws at you, you had what you wanted, you had a taste of it and now its gone, you can never have it back, so no i guess I'm not happy, i didn't get what i wanted.

What i wanted was never material objects, i just had and idea that seeing them might help me with this elusive closure, might help us both.

What i found was nothing i anticipated, what i found was another life before i was around and it dawned on me i knew nothing really if i thought about it. This weird feeling washed over me, were we strangers? neither of us knew anything.

All i had at the end of the day were even more questions to go with the lingering pain and memory of loss.

Thing is i don't think I'll ever have closure, i think the closest I've come is starting a new life, abrupt though it was, it has helped, it's helped us all.
I often think maybe i won't have closure because i don't deserve it or maybe it's because i try to hard to find it. Or simply because deep down i don't want it, if i have it, maybe I'm scared I'll forget everything and as long as it lingers i won't forget, But that's just a lot of maybes...