Wednesday, 20 May 2009
Friday, 15 May 2009
Sunday, 10 May 2009
...Mészöly...
We need sacrifice in order to lose ourselves and find our identity.
- Miklós Mészöly
...Who Are You?..
- Miklós Mészöly
...Who Are You?..
Friday, 8 May 2009
...Hungary...
...Sunrise in Budapest.
...And as long as you live, something can always happen.
Antal Szerb
...Scream...
"Witnessed by that Icy touch.
Fear is as Fear does.
Above, Cold Shadow hover,
Afoot, Dark Shadow linger,
Below, Old Shadow wait.
Unrest til day break.
Hide, when morning comes with welcome company.
Distraction from my Fear.
Horrors from before,
Erupt in me once more."
...Futures...
Got some news through today.
What i wanted to be a new start, what was or what at the very least feels like my last chance to get out of here has just slipped away.
This piece of news was pivotal in everything i had planned, it's what i had pinned everything on.
Nothing always goes as planned though.
A week and a half of waiting and praying, which is something i don't normally do and i was deflated, it was like someone sticking a pin in a balloon and watching is explode, it takes all that time to inflate but only a fraction of a second to burst, and it's gone.
All the fear and uncertainty of my future coupled with anger and this hope slipping away, all these feelings began to rise to a point of physical sickness, its not how it should be, but what do i do?
I'm only human and i made a few mistakes and now it's all falling apart at the seams.
I've managed to find one last chance though, other than that i don't know what to do so I'm now grasping at it with both hands, as if it were a ledge i were holding on to for life. This is what everything now rests so tentatively on.
Need to wait for more news now...
"A good style makes everything demonstrable, a great style makes everything great; in short, it is all just a matter of style; in other words, it is all lies."
Imre Kertész
What i wanted to be a new start, what was or what at the very least feels like my last chance to get out of here has just slipped away.
This piece of news was pivotal in everything i had planned, it's what i had pinned everything on.
Nothing always goes as planned though.
A week and a half of waiting and praying, which is something i don't normally do and i was deflated, it was like someone sticking a pin in a balloon and watching is explode, it takes all that time to inflate but only a fraction of a second to burst, and it's gone.
All the fear and uncertainty of my future coupled with anger and this hope slipping away, all these feelings began to rise to a point of physical sickness, its not how it should be, but what do i do?
I'm only human and i made a few mistakes and now it's all falling apart at the seams.
I've managed to find one last chance though, other than that i don't know what to do so I'm now grasping at it with both hands, as if it were a ledge i were holding on to for life. This is what everything now rests so tentatively on.
Need to wait for more news now...
"A good style makes everything demonstrable, a great style makes everything great; in short, it is all just a matter of style; in other words, it is all lies."
Imre Kertész
...bukowski...
The Laughing Heart
your life is your life
don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.
be on the watch.
there are ways out.
there is a light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beats the darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods will offer you chances.
know them.
take them.
you can’t beat death but
you can beat death in life, sometimes.
and the more often you learn to do it,
the more light there will be.
your life is your life.
know it while you have it.
you are marvelous
the gods wait to delight
in you.
your life is your life
don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.
be on the watch.
there are ways out.
there is a light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beats the darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods will offer you chances.
know them.
take them.
you can’t beat death but
you can beat death in life, sometimes.
and the more often you learn to do it,
the more light there will be.
your life is your life.
know it while you have it.
you are marvelous
the gods wait to delight
in you.
Monday, 4 May 2009
...Distant...
We all have perceived ideas of what are lives are going to turn into, whether we know what we from them or not, we can all see ourselves at some non de-script point in the future.
The thing is who do we see with us?
The same friends and family we have now or that we've had for god knows how many years?
Or a completely new set of people, much like a new set of toys?
It's funny to think about where we'll be or who'll be there,
people you were once close to can just drift away, slowly, until one day you wake up and realise that they're completely gone.
...Didn't think it'd be happening this soon though...
...Guess that's what i get for distancing myself from people, because then they move on to...
...need to change my ways, get the ones that matter back...
The thing is who do we see with us?
The same friends and family we have now or that we've had for god knows how many years?
Or a completely new set of people, much like a new set of toys?
It's funny to think about where we'll be or who'll be there,
people you were once close to can just drift away, slowly, until one day you wake up and realise that they're completely gone.
...Didn't think it'd be happening this soon though...
...Guess that's what i get for distancing myself from people, because then they move on to...
...need to change my ways, get the ones that matter back...
...Obscurity...
Photography has always been a part of who i am, who i think i want to be.
The older i get the more it becomes a part of me.
I like seeing other peoples perceptions of what you perceive.
I like it when its obscure, its represents feelings and ideas,
Abstract Art.
...The Angel Is In The Details...
- György Petri.
It's always hard to loose someone close, someone you love, one of the rare people you let in enough to have the power to break you. When their gone it's one less person in the world who sees you for you, through everything and it makes you close off even more.
At least it did for me.
Writing has been a catharsis for me along with other arts, its allows me to be me without anyone knowing who i am, i can be open with the world without them breaking me down, sort of like a secret identity, like Superman and Clark Kent, different sides of one person. I suppose it's harder not having that person here, it's colder and there's no one there to soften the blow of life.
The anniversary has just passed and i felt i needed something, some closure of sorts, Ive tried so hard to get it, to finally come to terms with things and life as it is but there is always this empty feeling that something is missing and i can't suppress it. I can't move on no matter how i try, i see it every day when i close my eyes, i see loss and pain.
I had this idea that going through all the things that were still boxed up and unopened would help me remember the past and the good times and help me to be closer to it all and maybe, finally get the closure Ive always craved so much....
...So i did and it wasn't what i was expecting, truth is i don't know what i was expecting really. I had help and it was extremely painful for her. She turned to me and asked, once we had finished, are you happy now?
AM I HAPPY NOW?
One short sentence with a hell of a punch to it, it winded me to say the least.
I didn't get what i wanted, what i want i can never have, its one of those curve balls life throws at you, you had what you wanted, you had a taste of it and now its gone, you can never have it back, so no i guess I'm not happy, i didn't get what i wanted.
What i wanted was never material objects, i just had and idea that seeing them might help me with this elusive closure, might help us both.
What i found was nothing i anticipated, what i found was another life before i was around and it dawned on me i knew nothing really if i thought about it. This weird feeling washed over me, were we strangers? neither of us knew anything.
All i had at the end of the day were even more questions to go with the lingering pain and memory of loss.
Thing is i don't think I'll ever have closure, i think the closest I've come is starting a new life, abrupt though it was, it has helped, it's helped us all.
I often think maybe i won't have closure because i don't deserve it or maybe it's because i try to hard to find it. Or simply because deep down i don't want it, if i have it, maybe I'm scared I'll forget everything and as long as it lingers i won't forget, But that's just a lot of maybes...
It's always hard to loose someone close, someone you love, one of the rare people you let in enough to have the power to break you. When their gone it's one less person in the world who sees you for you, through everything and it makes you close off even more.
At least it did for me.
Writing has been a catharsis for me along with other arts, its allows me to be me without anyone knowing who i am, i can be open with the world without them breaking me down, sort of like a secret identity, like Superman and Clark Kent, different sides of one person. I suppose it's harder not having that person here, it's colder and there's no one there to soften the blow of life.
The anniversary has just passed and i felt i needed something, some closure of sorts, Ive tried so hard to get it, to finally come to terms with things and life as it is but there is always this empty feeling that something is missing and i can't suppress it. I can't move on no matter how i try, i see it every day when i close my eyes, i see loss and pain.
I had this idea that going through all the things that were still boxed up and unopened would help me remember the past and the good times and help me to be closer to it all and maybe, finally get the closure Ive always craved so much....
...So i did and it wasn't what i was expecting, truth is i don't know what i was expecting really. I had help and it was extremely painful for her. She turned to me and asked, once we had finished, are you happy now?
AM I HAPPY NOW?
One short sentence with a hell of a punch to it, it winded me to say the least.
I didn't get what i wanted, what i want i can never have, its one of those curve balls life throws at you, you had what you wanted, you had a taste of it and now its gone, you can never have it back, so no i guess I'm not happy, i didn't get what i wanted.
What i wanted was never material objects, i just had and idea that seeing them might help me with this elusive closure, might help us both.
What i found was nothing i anticipated, what i found was another life before i was around and it dawned on me i knew nothing really if i thought about it. This weird feeling washed over me, were we strangers? neither of us knew anything.
All i had at the end of the day were even more questions to go with the lingering pain and memory of loss.
Thing is i don't think I'll ever have closure, i think the closest I've come is starting a new life, abrupt though it was, it has helped, it's helped us all.
I often think maybe i won't have closure because i don't deserve it or maybe it's because i try to hard to find it. Or simply because deep down i don't want it, if i have it, maybe I'm scared I'll forget everything and as long as it lingers i won't forget, But that's just a lot of maybes...
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