...Fileds And Fears...

The Corn Filed. A local farmers field I go to frequently when I walk take my dog, Lucky for walks, is the only place I can seem to find solace currently.
That, which once filled me with ope and this sense of potential in me and purpose, has now come to fill me with anxiety and dread and fear. The fear of failure, of falling so hard I won't have the strength nor resolve to stand up again.
The field had an evening sun on my latest venture, seemed different, almost completely new to me again, and for the first time in a long time I noticed the raw beauty in the newly ploughed field and its surroundings. I instantly felt at peace and a sense of calm and welcome relief washed over me as I walked around.
Walking around, memories of long past and forgotten times come back to remind me of a simpler time and for the first time in a long time I felt that everything could be fine, I only wished I had remembered to bring my camera with me!
However, as is mostly the case with such things, that magical peaceful beauty disappeared once I stepped foot back into the house, and the reminders of my uncertain future and possible failure are everywhere.
Nausea is threatening my waking hours along with the fear and the dread and the nerves running around in circles in my mind, interrupting my thoughts. The idea of it all chews at me constantly. I think about my future and my life seems to be an ever expanding abyss getting bigger and bigger and swallowing my sanity almost along with it. It's all ageing me beyond recognition into someone else i hardly recognise. In the seconds maybe minutes I can let it go, I feel almost human again, almost normal. I feel like a person again, almost like me again.
The time to make that first leap is fast approaching and it feels as if its all come at me so fast out of nowhere and I'm not sure if I can handle it. The stress feels like it's pushing down on me so hard that I carry it on my shoulders constantly. I don't know how much more i can bare before I begin to crack.
I think my work may help. Something I enjoy. A new project. A new photography project perhaps. Subject could be current issues; me, life, transforming and evolving and going through the motions.
I think I may even return to the field tomorrow with my camera. This potential new project doesn't have a name yet, it's still in its early concept stages.
It's time to let go of my apprehension and fear no matter how hard it may be, or at least try to, channel it into my work, something productive and constructive.

It's time to jump in at the deep end. I just hope I can swim...